This is the story of a very nice couple who found themselves standing on the porch of a nut.
Bored. So bored. It’s one of those rare days where everything is done. House is clean, laundry is done, garden has been weeded. Any other day I could think of a dozen things I’d like to be doing, but today I can’t think of one. I already called the cable company under the guise of getting a lower rate, but when I asked the service representative if he had any exciting ideas for what to do with leftover chicken, he promptly hung up.
I decide to clean out that weird drawer in the kitchen. I find the good tape, a roly poly being held captive in a tiny plastic bubble, enough rocks to landscape the front yard, and my favorite pen. I release the roly poly then rejoice: my pen! I love this pen! I should write something. What to write? I wonder if I can write the entire Gettysburg Address? I begin, “Four score and seven years ago. . .”
A knock at the door. Sorry, Mr. Lincoln, I have to get this. I open the door to two smiling faces.
“Good morning! I’m Barb and this is my husband, Morrie. We’re here to talk about pornography with you.”
“Not my first choice of discussion topics, Barb, but the Gettysburg Address is proving to be much more difficult than I thought, so I’m all ears.”
Barb appeared puzzled but undaunted. “This is about pornography,” she says and hands me a booklet.
“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to look at this, Barb. You know, I tried reading a chapter from that “Fifty Shades of Grey” book and I haven’t been the same since. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a bit of adventure, but a ‘red room of pain’? The last time I was in a room of pain I was trying on swimsuits at Macy’s under way too many fluorescent lights.”
“M’am I don’t think you quite understand,” Barb interjected.
“Oh Barb, I get it. You and Morrie have what, twenty years of marriage under your belt? I imagine things can get kind of boring in the bedroom and we all know how frustrating those shows on basic cable can get; you almost see something, then the camera pans away. It’s rough.”
“That’s not where I was going with this.” Barb seemed to be blushing.
“Listen, Barb, my porch is a safe place to discuss all ideas. I just think you and Morrie might be heading down the wrong road with all this pornography stuff. Have you ever tried dressing up?”
“Dressing up?” Barb was confused but Morrie looked intrigued.
“Yeah, you could switch things up a bit with some role-playing. Maybe play a little game called ‘Bawdy French maid meets Naughty Chef in the pantry.'” It felt really good getting to counsel Barb and Morrie this way. And I was going to waste my day on history!
“How about ‘Cotton Candy mogul meets a down-on-his-luck biologist while on a caribbean island?'” This is my personal favorite but I’m willing to share it because Barb and Morrie need help and I’m pulling out all the stops.
Just then Barb and Morrie turn and leave. I guess my ideas gave them a bit of inspiration after all.
Back to the Gettysburg Address. I wonder where I can get a Mary Todd Lincoln costume?